Sitting there, beaten and bruised, waiting to be nailed to a tree like his friend, his Savior, Peter weeped and rejoiced and closed his eyes. For reasons unknown to him his thoughts were not centered on the boards or the nails waiting to drain his final breaths on this earth. Instead, his mind was drawn back to a beautiful beach. The sand between his toes and fresh fish on his plate, the company of good friends, and an ache in his heart.
Peter was much younger then and his soul yearned for peace from a betrayal that he never thought possible. Sitting beside him, Jesus, a man he shared life with for the past three years, was cooking the fish they had brought in and was talking with the other apostles. Peter longed to speak with Him as well but he couldn't bare to look Him in the eyes. He felt so unworthy, so dirty, like a leaper, unclean. He was overwhelmed with joy when he first realized that it was Jesus on the shore calling out to them. He abandoned ship and swam, unwilling to wait for the boat's slow journey to shore. His emotions were stirring wildly within him. His friend was alive, but how could he possibly expect Him to forgive his betrayal. The look Peter saw in Jesus' eyes on the night of his betrayal burned a hole deep inside him that still burned as they sat there on the beach.
How could he have been so foolish. How could he be so wrong. He remembered that moment like it was yesterday. He remembered the things that went through his head. All the wonderful things that he had heard Jesus say and the amazing things He had done. But the thing that stuck out most was the memory of a conversation he had with Jesus just the day before. Jesus had looked very somber during that conversation with His apostles. He knew what the rest of us could not know and it weighed heavy on His heart. He spoke of betrayal and death and Peter could take it no longer. He was his friend, his companion, he believed he would do anything for Him. He could keep it in no longer, after Jesus spoke of leaving and his disciples being unable to come with Him right away, Peter belted out, "Why can't I go now? I'll give my life for You!" With sorrowful eyes Jesus turned to Peter and with tears flowing from His eyes He spoke to him and said something Peter thought could never be true, He said "Will you really give your life for Me? I tell you the truth: you will deny Me three times before the rooster crows."
How could this be? Peter loved Him, nothing could seperate him from Jesus. Surely he would give up everything to go wherever Jesus would go, even to death. He refused to believe it! He thought, surely Jesus underestimated his devotion to Him.
If only that were true. Sure Peter had bravery in the heat of the moment when he thought the revolution was about to begin, but in the face of doubt his bravery failed. He let them take Him. He didn't even put up a fight. How could He be the Messiah that the apostles had been waiting for all their lives? Peter was so confused. Curiosity and friendship brought him to the place where the soldiers had taken jesus. He wanted to know what they were going to do to Him. He had a feeling that He wasn't going to just disappear into the crowd this time. As he waited to see Jesus someone approached him. A servant, they looked at him very carefully then said the thing that he feared most, "You were with Jesus the Galilean, weren't you?" Peter panicked. He was afraid that they would arrest him as well, so he denied it. A little later this happened again, and again. Peter's mind was racing, his head was growing hot. For the third time he denied even knowing Jesus, this time cursing and putting on a show that would convince anyone that he had nothing to do with this Jesus who they had arrested.
Just then, he looked up and there, across the courtyard, was Jesus. He was looking right at him with those familiar tears in His eyes and Peter knew what he had done. His heart stopped and his eyes filled with tears. The emotions he felt that night cannot be put into words. It was as though the world had stopped and the weight of despair would soon crush him. He struggled to breathe and only by the grace of God did he feel air passing through his lungs again.
Now here he was again, in Jesus' presence. His eyes beginning to feel with tears. He looked up long enough to see Jesus staring right at him. He looked as though He knew exactly what Peter was thinking about, and then He asked him the one question he didn't want to have to answer. He looked Peter in his tear-filled eyes and asked "Simon (Simon was his name before Jesus turned it to Peter), son of John, do you love Me more than these other things?" The word He used for love meant unconditional love. How could he ask that? He knew the answer to that question now, they all did. Peter had failed Him. He'd denied that he even knew Him when He needed him the most. Peter looked back at Him, voice trembling, and said "Yes, Lord. You know that I love you." The word he used for love meant more like a brotherly love, a flawed love, but love nonetheless. Then He said "Take care of my lambs." This happened again and again. Three times He asked, three times Peter answered in the same way, and three times he charged him with a task that surely someone else was more qualified to undertake.
Why would He ask Peter to take care of His lambs? He had failed Him. He was dirty. He was unworthy. It wasn't until later that Peter realized that he had to be humbled before he could truly take on the task that Jesus had appointed him to do. He had to learn to depend on God and not himself.
But it was what Jesus said next that brought all this back to Peter now as he faced his death. Jesus had said "I tell you the truth, when you were younger you would pick up and go wherever you pleased; but when you grow old, someone else will help you and take you places you do not want to go."
("Jesus said all this as an indicator of the nature of Peter's death, which would glorify God.")
It wasn't until this moment that Peter discovered what Jesus had meant when He had said this, and it was at this moment that Peter probably looked to the heavens and said, I love you unconditionally.
(All quoted scripture taken from the Voice)
www.hearthevoice.com
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