90/10

I was at a wedding recently where the preacher said something that I really liked. He said that most couples enter marriage thinking that a marriage relationship should be 50/50 when it should actually be 90/10. There is a lot of truth to what he said. When we go into a marriage thinking it is going to be 50/50 we are setting ourselves up for a largely self-centered, non-sacrificial relationship. The phrase 'self-centered relationship' seems to me to be an oxymoron within itself. If it is self-centered then it isn't really a relationship is it. The Bible tells men to love their wives like Christ loves the church. Well, while Christ was being beaten, spat upon, denied by his best friends, and nailed to a cross, he was praying for the very people who were doing these things to him, and for us. Why was he being beaten, spat on, denied, and hung on a cross to die? So that his church, his bride, might live. 90/10. In a 50/50 relationship we run into a lot of conflict because half the time we are looking out for ourselves and not the one "we love". In a 90/10 relationship it is the one we love who is looking out for us. Trust me, I know it's not always that easy. You may be going at it 90/10 while your spouse is going at it 10/90. A word of encouragement: love is patient. In most cases your spouse will come around in time as long as you stay focused and continue giving him/her 90 percent. Most people, when they are truly loved, can't wait to return that love. It may take time and practice, but they'll get there. For those of you whose spouses are completely content with you carrying the entire load, I know it sounds crazy, but you will be happier in your relationship as long as you continue to give your 90 without expecting her 90 in return. People who are self-centered are also self-destructive. You promised to love your spouse for better or worse and it would do you good to honor that promise. If your marriage is about what you can get out of it, or what your spouse can do for you, then it will always be on rocky ground and most likely it won't last. Ask not what your spouse can do for you, but what you can do for your spouse. When we are focused on our spouse and their needs we will find ourselves getting upset a lot less often. There will be fewer fights. There will be more hugs, kisses, loving words, acts of kindness, and yes, according to all the experts, more and better sex. The tricky thing is to make sure that those things don't become your motivation because then we have shifted the focus back on ourselves and our relationships are once again self-centered. Our motivation should rest on two basic foundations: our love for our spouse and our commitment to them. Don't let yourself get in the way of all that God has planned for you in your relationship. Sacrificial love is the greatest kind of love there is. Think of all the greatest love stories and you'll notice that the really good ones, the ones you grew up dreaming of, are the ones where great sacrifices are made. The ones where the heroes go up against great odds to defend the ones they love. The ones where a man or woman leaves everything they know to be with the one they love. The ones where forgiveness, not anger, is offered to the one who has done wrong. When we set ourselves aside and live our lives for the ones we love, then we will begin to experience the love that we'd began to think only exists in dreams and fairy tales. Then we will begin to understand the love of Christ for his bride.